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High libido partner dealing with HT (UPDATE March 2024)

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User

Posted 18 Nov 2023 at 18:46

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I agree it's never the same after treatment we decided to give it up as sex as it was is over now we have become closer and don't even discuss it any more it's sad but we don't want to mess with pumps or injections takes all the fun away but we are closer than ever 👍

I think that's the way we'll end up Gaz. We still love each other, and as someone once said," Love conquers all."

Tortuga, I apologise for diverting from your conversation, but at least the unintended sidetracking gives you an idea of how some blokes feel.

Late edit

I've just googled. It was Virgil who first said "Omina Vincent Amor" Loves conquers all. That surprised me, I thought he was the pilot Thunderbird 2. 🫤

Adrian

Edited by member 18 Nov 2023 at 19:15 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 18 Nov 2023 at 18:53

It's sad but it's one off the trade offs with treatment it does finish sex as we knew it

User

Posted 18 Nov 2023 at 21:07

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I suspect most men of our age were used to initiating sex, it was usually the bloke who made the first move. I know I used to. Now post op you lose your confidence, you can't do what you once did, the spontaneitys gone. You're then hoping that your partner will start the ball rolling, but for years they've not been used to that.

I'd love my wife to prepare my Invicorp jab and sexily say do you fancy a bit, but I doubt that'll ever happen. 🙂

You are right about the initiating and the erosion of confidence bit. I also do think that PCa is not the genesis, but only accentuates and amplifies the imbalance or mismatch between the partners. A lot of sufferers will be in their mid 50s to mid 60s, which means that wives who a little younger will be in the throes of menopause and hormonal imbalance. Add this to the mix, intimacy will take a battering! I don't know how old Tortuga is, however she did allude to mismatch between her partner and herself even before his diagnosis for pca. For me it was the other way round, however I am still mourning the loss of my erections which I think is intrinsically connected to my masculinity!

User

Posted 18 Nov 2023 at 21:30

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I suspect most men of our age were used to initiating sex, it was usually the bloke who made the first move. I know I used to. Now post op you lose your confidence, you can't do what you once did, the spontaneity's gone. You're then hoping that your partner will start the ball rolling, but for years they've not been used to that.

You are getting to the heart of the change that is needed for us and our partners. We can't do things the way we used to. I reckon often each partner expects the other one to behave the way they used to. But that isn't possible, so we both need to change. Anyone who cares enough to be reading this - I challenge you to make the first move, in a good way, that doesn't presume too much from you partner and gives them room to respond.

Like you said, I can't do what I once did. But I can still love my partner and find new ways to show my love. And ask for what I want - being prepared not to get it.

User

Posted 18 Nov 2023 at 23:58

When you’re on HT and have zero libido I think it’s essential that your partner makes the first move as you just have no desire to.

User

Posted 19 Nov 2023 at 01:27

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

When you’re on HT and have zero libido I think it’s essential that your partner makes the first move as you just have no desire to.

Yes! Not just the first move, but the second and third as well. If you love your partner and you want intimacy, be prepared to try and try and try again. It is difficult for both partners.

User

Posted 26 Mar 2024 at 15:29

I am the original poster. Adding an update to this thread:

My husband ultimately started Orgovyx almost two months ago. As expected, he has no interest in sex and no ability to get an erection or have an orgasm. I've tried and discovered that being a woman trying to initiate sex with someone who has zero desire for you may be the most humiliating experience of one's life.

But he is doing 'great.' According to him he has no major side effects. This is whay he reports to his doctors. ADT is a breeze. He has no interest in sex, but he doesn't care.

I am extremely depressed. It is even worse knowing that he thinks everything is fine, except for my attitude, for lack of a better word. I have told him how I am feeling, and he is kind -- will give me a hug -- but I don't feel like I have a real marriage any more.

As I mentioned initial post, we already had a libido mismatch issue. This has just changed the difficult to the impossible.

I am 52, attractive, in shape and having a physical relationship is important to me and will be for the forseeable future. Menopause already happened a didn't change my drive at all. I am not sure physical intimacy ever was important to him, but it definitely is not now. He is a nice companion and we have a good friendship. That is enough for him. It is not enough for me.

I don't want to blow up my family, and I certainly can't kick my sick husband to the curb, who really isn't doing anything wrong. But I am miserable, unwanted, lonely and feel like there is no way out of this situation. My capacity for feeling joy about anything is gone. And because he is the one with cancer, expressing any of this makes me a monster.

I've been seeing a therapist, but it isn't really helping. Just not sure where to go from here.

User

Posted 26 Mar 2024 at 16:04

Wow, what a tricky situation.

We've got to the stage, by mutual agreement, of sleeping in different rooms. Nothing to do with sex or intimacy, or drifting apart, it's purely the only way, at this time, that we can both manage to get some decent sleep. Hopefully it'll not be a permanent thing.

Our sex life is nothing like it used to be but we're adapting to that. What we have got going for us, is we both have a good sense of humour and somehow often manage to giggle about the situation. As Ricky Gervais once said, "If you can laugh in the face of adversity, you're bullet-proof."

Having said that, there are obviously times, on bad days, when I'm sure we both shed a tear or two.

Your incapacity to enjoy anything in life, maybe due clinical depression. Have you seen a doctor?

I hope you both find a way of resolving your issues.

Edited by member 26 Mar 2024 at 16:32 | Reason: Additional text.

User

Posted 26 Mar 2024 at 16:29

Oh Tortuga I feel so sorry for you, it must be so difficult. However I know how your husband feels as well…like me, just no interest in sex. Although I’m a lot older than you we had a very active sex life before I started ADT, now nothing. It’s a shame though that your husband won’t try, because I believe there ARE ways of giving each other a lot of pleasure, even though the thought of penetrative sex just doesn’t do anything for me. I’ve lost most of the sensation for that, but other parts of my body are still extremely sensitive and with a little experimentation I can still have VERY intense orgasms. You just need to experiment.

Your husband is lucky if that is the only side effect he is having with ADT. If that was me I would also feel lucky and would happily accept having zero libido.

You say you’ve been to a therapist but it sounds like you need to see someone together, but then again maybe he doesn’t want to? That would be a shame because it might help him come to terms with how YOU are feeling…after all, there are TWO people going through this journey even if only one of them has PCa..

I’m sorry but I can’t really think of anything else other than to wait until the ADT is over and hopefully he gets his libido back. Has he thought about asking if he can come off ADT early? I did because I have had SO many problems, and the Onco is happy for me to come off it after 2 years….I can’t wait! Maybe if his results are stable they might say for the sake of his (or yours maybe) QOL, stopping early might be an option.

Good Luck,

Derek

User

Posted 26 Mar 2024 at 16:40

The way I see this , is that if he had very low sex drive before then the ADT has crippled him. My libido was always sky high and I’ve been on ADT for 3 years. I still want sex a lot , and definitely more than my wife. We don’t bother with erection as it’s not important to her. So I stopped my meds and have offered to use injections but she not interested. So we just find the other obvious ways fairly regularly. I need to be relaxed to orgasm and get fairly erect.

I guess he just not interested which is very hard for you. Feel very sorry for you. No real answer other than he should just try at least …..

User

Posted 26 Mar 2024 at 18:17

I have sent you a private message

User

Posted 26 Mar 2024 at 18:29

Thank you. I don't have enough posts to be able to reply privately. But thank you.

User

Posted 26 Mar 2024 at 19:02

Oh ok

I didn’t want to reply publicly so all I can say I understand what you are going through 100 percent !

User

Posted 28 Mar 2024 at 18:09

Tortuga - I hear you. I now live with my best friend not husband or lover. I’m in my late 40’s and am so desperate for the intimacy/sex we used to have but it’s just disappeared. I think there’s a tendency to assume women after menopause (which I’ve gone through) sort of turn off to that side but I simply don’t think that’s the case.

How to cope? I really don’t know. I feel very down sometimes but I think the worse thing is that we can’t change anything. I think you just get used to it.

User

Posted 29 Mar 2024 at 04:06

Hi Skye 28 - I got diagnosed in my late 40s and one of my biggest fears is that my wife feels exactly like you. I try to take pills and initiate sex, but it just seems to happen so infrequently, about once a month I would say. I do think doctors under play this side of it. It is far and away the worse side effect for me. My advice would be to talk and let your OH know haw you are feeling. Once we do get going, I enjoy it, even though I rarely orgasm. In a funny kind of way it is nice to know and reassuring that my wife is still keen and fancies me (ok, probably sex more than me!).

User

Posted 29 Mar 2024 at 08:29

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

I am the original poster. Adding an update to this thread:

But he is doing 'great.' According to him he has no major side effects. This is whay he reports to his doctors. ADT is a breeze. He has no interest in sex, but he doesn't care.

As I mentioned initial post, we already had a libido mismatch issue. This has just changed the difficult to the impossible.

I've been seeing a therapist, but it isn't really helping. Just not sure where to go from here.

Tortuga, I cannot pretend to understand your predicamrnt and sadness. I cannot even put myself in your partner's shoes, as my challenges are physiological and not due to a chemical castration with the double whammy of being a cancer patient. Prior to my diagnosis, I was a randy goat with a roving eye to boot, and not proud to say how I would have reacted if the situation had been reversed and my wife unable to have sex. Actually, my wife was on the cusp of menopause before my diagnosis, and I vividly recall her fears about this potentially driving a wedge between our relationship and me going out there to help myself. Would I have done this and was this a solution? I really could not answer this question, but deep down I think I know what the answer is. At the end of the day, folks will preach about sacrifice, for better for worse and protecting the sanctity of marriage etc etc. These are all ideals and what we strive for, however we do not live in an ideal world and no one is in your shoes, you have to do what makes you happy, the last thing neither of you want is the love to turn to pity and resentment.

User

Posted 29 Mar 2024 at 12:52

I went through treatment for Gleason 9 prostate cancer and had no interest in sex whilst on hormone therapy now been off hormone therapy for around a year we did try when my erections returned but couldn't ejaculate after the radiotherapy which was a downer for me and having a wife that is much younger than me at 38 I am nearly 63 we decided just to have a platonic relationship which she is ok with as she never had a high sex drive I gave her the chance to move on which she thankfully didn't do but I totally understand if she did go that way don't feel guilty you must do what you need to do it's never easy but we all only live once

Edited by member 29 Mar 2024 at 12:52 | Reason: Not specified

User

Posted 29 Mar 2024 at 13:26

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Once we do get going, I enjoy it, even though I rarely orgasm. In a funny kind of way it is nice to know and reassuring that my wife is still keen and fancies me

Thank you for saying this (and apologies for not quoting your self-put-down at the end) - this way it is an acknowledgement that you can still love and make love with your wife. I am in a similar place to you and I find that there are a myriad of ways that sex with my wife (and also with myself) is completely and absolutely wonderful. Energetically I still ejaculate fountains of love into her even though physically that never includes fluid and seldom includes full-on orgasm.

User

Posted 29 Mar 2024 at 16:41

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

Energetically I still ejaculate fountains of love into her even though physically that never includes fluid and seldom includes full-on orgasm.

Bloomin' eck I've just had to turn the thermostat down. 😉

Edited by member 29 Mar 2024 at 17:24 | Reason: Emoji

User

Posted 29 Mar 2024 at 20:20

Originally Posted by: Online Community Member

That rings so true with me. I’m just NOT interested but once we get going I REALLY enjoy it. Penetrative sex just does nothing for me, but since I bought a male maturabator(Lovehoney) I can have VERY strong orgasms…and I am a lot older than you. I think talking and experimenting is SO important to find something that can satisfy you both…we’ve managed that, and although it’s not the same it is still good.

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